So this movie sucked. But let me tell you why it sucked.

First off, I had to see this trailer for the film approximately 40,000,000 times before it finally came out. So here it is again in case you have somehow missed it:

They couldn’t even seem to cobble together a different trailer in all that time. Just the same trailer at damn near every movie I’ve seen since the trailer first released back in September. That means Passengers was really working from the red with me anyway. The only reason I saw it if we’re being honest is because my fiancé wanted to stare at Chris Pratt for two hours. In that, at least, the film didn’t disappoint. We even saw his butt. Twice. Pull your tongues back in your mouths, everyone.

Anna Faris is one lucky woman

But let’s get to the real meat of why this sucked. This is a little spoiler-y but not for the ending or any huge story things so feel free to continue reading. The first 20-30 minutes were great. We get introduced to this very sterile environment that is the ship, even if I thought it was stupid that while on auto-pilot the ship still displays error messages which are so painfully obviously just there for the audience’s benefit. We see the malfunction in Chris Pratt’s pod and he wakes up. And that’s just the first couple of minutes. Then for the next 25 you have Chris Pratt being that delightful Chris Pratt character that he’s been doing since Guardians of the Galaxy hit it so big all alone. He’s awake on the ship by himself for just over a year before he decides to wake up Jennifer Lawrence. So basically it’s just the pilot for The Last Man on Earth if you’ve seen it

That’s right, if you were duped by that trailer like I was, you had no idea that J-Law is awoken by Mr. Anna Faris. So what does this mean? Well, it means that the narrative comes to a screeching halt because now we know that eventually Lawrence is going to figure out that Pratt woke her up and get pretty pissed, and rightfully so.

Until she finds out about this, all you wonder is when is she going to find out about this, so you don’t care one iota about anything else going on on-screen. Not to mention the fact that you lose a lot of empathy for Pratt because… well, freakin’ gross, man! When she does find out, exactly what you’d expect to happen happens. So it’s a really annoying case of knowing what’s coming. The script doesn’t take any interesting turns, it doesn’t (spoiler alert, but not really) end up with Lawrence killing Pratt out of anger which would have been way more interesting. Instead, this uber creepy act of a man taking complete control of a woman plays out, and she goes 100% Stockholm syndrome. Pretty awful. Plus with a cast of two, obviously the film doesn’t pass the Bechdel test. Not that Jon Spaihts has shown himself to be an especially enlightened writer. His other credits as screenwriter are Doctor Strange and Prometheus, and considering Damon Lindelof was also a writer for Prometheus, I doubt Spaihts had much decision-making power in that partnership anyway. I was hoping for more from Morten Tyldum’s follow-up to The Imitation Game, but alas this was quite bad.

My opinion? Skip it unless Chris Pratt’s butt calls to you as much as it did (read: does) my fiancé. Watch Moon instead

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